(February 7th, 2012)
Some have been easy. Some have been challenging. Some days I've succeeded. Some days I've failed miserably. This is what I think of when I think of the past sixteen days. The truth is I have failed not only a couple times, but each day. And I have this preconceived notion that on day 22 I will succeed. Because I have dedicated 21 days to fasting and prayer and that is the perfect recipe to fix myself.
The thing is, I will never be fixed while here on this earth. I am broken and that is how God wants me. I fail each day on my own because I am not supposed to do it on my own. I fail so that He can give me the strength. I am tempted to cut corners so that He can show me He is the Only Way. I am terrified by nightmares so that He can be my comfort. I am out of energy before I even wake up so He can sustain me. I am uncertain about the future so He can show me the plans He has for me. I am discouraged by conflict with others so He can encourage me with the community of the Church. I am tempted by desires of this world so He can show me He satisfies. I am left feeling lonely so He can wrap me in His loving arms. I am overwhelmed with my to-do list so that I can spend more time with Him. I am scared when sharing my faith so He can speak through me. I am heartbroken hearing other girls' struggles so that I can use my testimony for His glory. I am convicted when I am prideful so that He can humble me. I am tempted to seek revenge so He can prove He is the only Judge. I am broken so He can forgive me. I am broken so He can use me. I am broken so I can die to myself and follow Him.
God has shown me just how broken and in need of Him I am. In some ways, I am more of a mess than I was sixteen days ago. The tension that has been building up in my heart and has finally been released. My heart is broken and that isn't always the prettiest sight to mankind. But to God it's absolutely beautiful. I am humbled before Him with my hands open, laying it all down. That is exactly where He wants me. I am His broken vessel.
I don't want to be "fixed" at day 22, or day 222. I want to continually be in need of my Jesus. There is comfort in knowing I will always be failing on my own so that I can trust Him. Christ has redeemed me and used my failures to make them His victories. I am redeemed. He is significant. I am nothing without Him. Without Him nothing about me is relevant.
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