Daniel Fast (Day Five)

(This post was written January 27th, 2012)

Today has definitely been an extreme challenge of my body physically, emotionally, and spiritually. This morning at work I wanted so badly to say "Yes, I would love a cream cheese bagel!" when asked by a coworker if I would like something from Einstein Bros. But instead, I politely declined. I thought that was tough, but little did I know what the weekend ahead of me would look like.

This weekend was Preview Weekend for Cru, where Juniors and Seniors from the Midsouth Region gathered in Charlotte, NC to get a preview of what going on staff with the Cru ministry would look like, hear from God about how we can use our majors and gifts for ministry after we graduate, and just rest in Him. So when I was awkwardly eating my green beans in the parking lot while waiting on everyone to carpool, I encountered my first "Why are you eating that?" question. And then when we stopped for dinner at McAlister's I felt entitled to order the Big N' Nasty like Samantha did. And yes I wanted the cookie to go with it too. But I suffered through eating my watered down iceberg lettuce salad, picking out the cheese and croutons. And tonight after the main session we had Krispy Kreme Doughnuts in the hospitality room. I was tempted to snatch one, but I knew I needed to stay strong. I brought out my fruit instead and was asked why I was being so healthy. Now the questioning was getting hard. I just wanted to give up for the weekend so I could enjoy all the good food with my friends.

It was the talk tonight by Roger Hershey that helped me get a better perspective for my weekend and take on a more positive attitude. He talked about the things in life we feel entitled to and the sacrifices we will have to make to follow the Lord. We aren't promised an easy journey. We live in a fallen world and we will suffer and sacrifice. But God loves us and we can trust Him to provide for us and care for us.

God has provided for me thus far on this fast. Honestly, I wouldn't even be complaining if I were home this weekend, not being tempted with all this good food. So I am yielding the pleasure of food this weekend as well so I can continue following Him closely in intimacy and in focus. The reason I am here is to gain further wisdom and discernment on how I fit into God's plan after I graduate. This weekend is about is about Him, not me. My life is about Him, not me. My life is not my own. It is His. I want to use my life to serve God in a way that pleases Him. I want to spend my weekend doing the same.

I am so thankful for God calling me to a time of prayer and fasting while here so I can better clear my heart and mind from all other things. I am glad He did not call me to do it alone, but in community. With the accountability of those here with me, supporting me, I didn't sneak that tantalizing glazed doughnut. This may very well be a critical weekend in determining my future and how I serve the Lord. Serving Him is also an area I am called to do in community with others.

With that, I pray for discernment concerning timing and my singleness as I enter into full-time ministry. I am very content with how God has been growing me as a single woman these past few months, but I do have the desire to be a wife and mother one day. Part of me isn't trusting God, thinking if I were to enter into a relationship I would stop growing in Him. That is because relationships have always been the downfall for me. They are the one thing in life that most distracts me from falling the path God has for me. And that's scary. I feel secure in Christ when I am single, but I have this unwavering fear that all my past insecurities will be uncovered once I am no longer single. That may be true, and I know that would be a test of my faith.

But another part of me feels selfish because I love doing ministry as a single woman. I treasure my time I have to spend hours telling girls my story and hearing how God is working in their lives. I desire a life where if God calls me to Central Asia, or New York, I can just pick up and go. I don't have to submit to a husband or worry about children. The Lord may possibly be calling me to singleness for a season of my life so I can serve Him in those ways before having a family that holds me back. And then there is the part of me that longs for a godly man who is called to be my husband, and with whom we will serve the Lord together.

These are all concerns I have coming into this weekend. Are these rights I am entitled to, or rights God is asking me to yield to Him? God, I know you are in control of all things, and You will work it out in a way that brings the most glory to yourself. I want to be used for the expansion of Your Kingdom. Here I am, Lord. Send me.