I read my devotion for today, 1 Samuel 10, and looked for ways as I was reading to relate it to my time of fasting and prayer. I prayed for God to show me how to apply the passage to my life. This is what He revealed to me:
Saul was clearly appointed by God as Israel's first King. As a result of the Holy Spirit's work in Him, he became a different person. God was everything Saul needed for success, but as Saul's power grew, so did his pride. He stopped seeking God's will, and eventually jealousy and strife began to decay both him and the nation he had been entrusted to lead.
In the same way, my success depends solely on my devotion to God, not my position, wisdom, or strength. Being in a position of leadership within Cru, I have realized over the past year my struggle with pride. As a result of the Holy Spirit's work in me, I have become a different person. But as I have grown, so has my pride. Sometimes I become so focused on myself and the praise I receive for accomplishments, I forget God is the reason I have been allowed to even be in this position. I stop seeking God's will in my decisions and it becomes what I want to do. Most times what I want to do isn't terrible and even looks like God's will at first glance. But my motives are not always to bring God glory, and that is His will for me, to bring Him glory. More often than not, my motives are to bring myself satisfaction, and a sense of purpose, when it should be Christ alone.
I have not been obedient to God and have ignored His voice. My dependence on the Holy Spirit has turned into dependence on myself and others. God honors obedience - we must consistently obey God. Rebellion against Him is a very dangerous sin. As I have chosen to rebel, I have closed the door to forgiveness and restoration with God. I want this decision to obey him through fasting and prayer to be a discipline that reopens that door and restores intimacy with Him.
My sin has been very obvious to me today. I have become aware of how much I put my trust in other things. I experienced thoughts of fear and worry as I was convicted of changes I needed to make in my life, afraid of the hurt it may cause those who are affected. I have become such a people pleaser and my mind is overwhelmed with the names of those who I won't be investing my time in as much over the next 21 days. With that, I realized my worry stems from sin on my part. The reason I am having such a hard time with this is because I feel these people in my life need me, and I'm afraid of what may happen if I were to step back. I have been trusting myself with their lives, not the Lord. What I need to do is give up that control and trust God is in control. This surrender of control will allow me the opportunity to trust God completely and see Him work in their lives. And guess what? I can't take any credit for it. My pride won't even have a place to reside. My prayers I do not even own. The Holy Spirit intercedes and the almighty loving God answers. For the first time in a long time I am asking God to take me out of the spotlight and simply allow me to witness His power through prayer.
For those of you whom I am close to, I'm praying for you. I thank God for allowing me to be a part of your growth. This is my exit from the stage as I trust God with the leading role in your life. I'll be watching from backstage as He allows me to and supporting you in between acts as any good stage crew member would. Give God the leading role in your life and truly allow Him to lead you. I will be doing the same.
Today I have surrendered my hunger to Him and allowed Him to fill me with His Word and Truth. The Lord has been my comfort when otherwise something sweet would have been a temporary indulgence. Instead, I indulge in the Love of my life, who will never fail me. This documents the first day of my Daniel fast, which will go on for 21 days and consist of only fruits, vegetables, nuts, and water. I know this is going to be extremely hard, and it will be the Lord who will provide the strength I need.
Father, I acknowledge that You are everything I need and I commit every area of my life to You during this season of prayer and fasting. I ask You to forgive me of any disobedience, arrogance and rebellion. I commit to walk in obedience to Your Word, I surrender control to You, and ask for Your Spirit to fill me so that I might live a life that glorifies you. In Jesus Name, Amen.
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